These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things - And Things That Are Not

Yes, there's another version of this...

I love drawing blood.

I'm good at it. No. I'm great at it. Probably the best in the Northwest. The more challenging the draw is, the better. I volunteer to do blood draws as often as I can. I eye people's veins. Random people. Back when we were learning how to do labs, I used to drool over hubby's veins to the point where he would tell me to get away from him.

Funny how life works. Not "ha ha" funny.

Not funny like this

I used to be terrified of needles. I hated having my blood drawn or getting injections. Now I don't mind at all. Having had 30 of my fellow students practice on me cured me of that phobia real fast.

It's not the blood I like. I'm not some weirdo aspiring vampire. I'm drawn to challenges and there's nothing quite as satisfying as getting blood from an "impossible" draw. If you ever have me draw your blood, satisfaction is guaranteed.

As much as I love blood draws, I hate any other forms of body fluids or secretions. I can't decide what's worse: serous fluid or stool. One of my patients is suffering from peripheral edema in a bad way and she tends to spring leak from time to time. It's not unusual for her to cover the exam room floor with fluid. I don't know if you've ever smelled serous fluid, but it's not pleasant.

I hate female pelvic exams. I don't mind handling penises, but feminine plumbing just isn't pleasant. (Ok, it is, but not in a medical context). I am often puzzled by why people who know they are coming in for pelvic exams don't make an effort to clean up a bit down there. I'm not saying you need to book a STAT Brazillian, but at least make sure you're somewhat clean in the general area. If you're covered in toilet paper residue or worse - what the toilet paper didn't remove - or look like you're on a personal mission to save the rain forest, it makes it harder to do a proper exam.

My first female medical encounter was traumatic. I was shadowing a coworker to learn how to do a bladder installation.

The female in question was on the larger side. Let's just say she was easier to step over than walk around. As she was laying there in the stirrups an odor spread out in the small exam room in a way that was threatening to suffocate anything living within seconds. My poor coworker's head disappeared into the black hole while I was struggling with keeping my lunch down. Then I heard a muffled noise coming from my friend.

At first I thought she was calling for help because she had gotten stuck and couldn't get out by herself, but then I realized she was commenting on the woman's labia. The woman on the table had a rash on her labia to which she responded that it was probably a herpes outbreak.

He labia area was as big as my coworker's head. I'm willing to put money on that she could anatomically have given birth to a full sized human.

I still have nightmares about that encounter.

No, penises - like men - are simpler creatures to deal with. Not that dealing with cystoscopies and catheters are pleasant, but compared to the female anatomy it's far easier. But women aren't the only ones who don't think personal hygiene is of importance prior to a doctor's visit, men are equally dirty. Here's a valuable tip for you guys:

Wash your bits and pieces and REMOVE EVERYTHING FROM YOUR BELLY BUTTON.

I am not this person

Nor do I enjoy making bears out of belly button lint