Faster Than The Speed Of A Fred

Man, oh man, how the Freds are a'popping.  There are Freds everywhere! And they're kinda all over the place as well. I'm not saying I'm not a Fred/Doris, because I probably am, but I think there must be degrees of Fredness. In my neck of the woods, the degree of Fredness is determined by how much yellow you're wearing and how much reflecting fabric and blinking lights you have on your bike.


I'm really glad I'm not prone to seizures because the amount of biking disco balls I encountered today would have sent me into a seizing orbit. All these bike light festivities started to cause some amount of grump buildup in me, and I felt a growing urge to maybe push one of these ridiculous biking Teletubbies into a bush or something.

But then I saw something else, something that made the bike ride in today all worth it. As I'm approaching a red light at the intersection of 145th Pl and Lake Hills Blvd, I spy with my little eyes a man in his early 70s, dressed in a dapper pinstriped suit, nice dress shoes, and a funky wool hat under his helmet, riding an ancient green bike. He was something else.


I guess he had eyes in the back of his head because he had moved to the side as he was waiting for the light to turn, so I pulled up next to him to really admire his stylin' outfit. I said "Good morning" with a level of enthusiasm I reserve for Channing Tatum and was all smiles. After a few seconds, because I imagine sound travels slowly through all the style and his wool hat, he turns his head, gives me a once over to see if I'm worthy of a response, then turns his head (all this in slow motion), making me think I failed whatever test he was putting me through, but then, when he has turned his head facing straight ahead again, he says "Good morning, good morning, good morning. That it is." Just like that.

Shortly after the light turns green and it's time to go. I almost asked him if I could take his photo, but the moment passed and I didn't seize it. Off we both go. The next light is also red so I turn around to see if I can spot him and maybe get his photo. He is nowhere to be seen - and the thing is, there is nowhere he could have gone between the first and the second light. So now I'm thinking he might be a figment of my imagination.

Maybe all the Freds decked in yellow and their blinky lights made me hallucinate.