Monday, November 30, 2015

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

I think I've been good lately at staying calm even when I encounter asshats on the road, which there are many of. It's getting harder to remain calm though and I've pondered how to solve this so I can maintain my inner peace. This is what I came up with. Yes, I know that violence shouldn't be the answer but is this really violence? I'm not planning on hitting people with this, just cars. Like a little love tap on the side of their car.

Love tap anyone?
The way I've envisioned this is having the glove installed on the right side of my bike and the spring will be released by a button on my handlebar. Technically challenged as I am, I have no idea how to install this contraption but where there's a will there's always a way. The glove pictured above will be for asshats of the minor sort, but fear not I have a more serious glove for bigger asshats.

Not so loving...
I suspect this glove will cause greater damage to your beloved car and you will know I mean business. The glove on a spring was inspired by this video that was posted by Anton Rodman. I find this very disturbing. Considered yourself warned.

After recovering from having seen this horrifying clip I thought to myself: if an asshat driver can push a cyclist into a ditch, a cyclist should be able to push a car. Well, not actually push a car so it moves, but at least make a dent or two. And voila! Enter the boxing glove on springs. You're welcome. Ok, so just almost welcome because unlike the Heimlich Maneuver, this is more of a gesture at this stage.

I smell a kick-starter. We can call it the friendly greeter. Like those so-called neck massagers in Sky Mall Magazine, the name is just to confuse the law makers. I think it's far more likely that we can pass something seemingly benign like say The Friendly High Five, rather than the Asshat Driver Whack-A-Mole.

Oooh, my neck hurts. I found this handy neck massager in SkyMall. This will surely help

You did? Me too. My neck is just soooo tense!
Helping sore neck and arm muscles. Hitachi to the rescue!
Yeah, I don't care how many women you pose with this thing. We all know what it's really for. Not to worry though. I will hire a better PR firm to promote The Friendly High Five:

The Friendly High Five for when you also have an itch
If you are interested in sponsoring my kick-ass kick-starter, you can deposit money in my Nigerian bank account.

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