Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Loogie Incident

I'll admit I was debating riding in this morning because of the forecasted wind of gusts up to 50 mph. Then I came to my senses and said to myself that it will take more than 50 mph gusts of wind to make me not bike in. Am I a man or a mouse? Neither, because I'm a woman, which is so much better anyway.
Bipolar weather as usual
Remember when you were a kid and learned how to bike and your parent or whoever it was helping you as you started out on two wheels was pushing while simultaneously holding you steady? All you had to do was pedal of sorts, but it was like having an engine propelling you forward. This morning I had a feeling of deja vu as I biked up the hill across I-90 towards Bellevue College, when a tailwind pushed me up the hill and all I had to do was turn the pedals. It was awesome!
Cherry blossoms!
You know all those times of "if only" or "I should have"? When someone's actions or statement takes you so off guard that you end up standing there like a moron and your usual quick wit has left you stranded like Tom Hanks on a desert island. But after, oh! After! Moments later when the person who insulted you has long left, your head is filled with ideas of what you should have said. The perfect comeback of all times. But all that's left are you and that perfect comeback - the moment has passed and history looks back at you - the loser.

Well, I had one of those moments this morning and I as I'm writing I can't decide whether I should be proud or ashamed. Probably a little bit of both. But oh, did it feel great!

Man, do I hope I'm in the right here, or karma will have a field day with me at some point.

Here's what happened. I was biking along, minding my own business, when the car next to me starts drifting into the bike lane. The only thing I can do to prevent getting knocked over is to stop, which takes a while given the speed I'm biking at. Turns out the asshat was stopping in the bike lane to let off her hopeful at Sammamish High. The reason I know it's a "her" will be clear later.
Great place to stop
The thing that pissed me off/scared me, was that the driver turned into the bike lane while I was right next to her. Not in her blind spot. I was like this looming shadow right next to the car. So not only did she take the bike lane, she stops in it and her offspring who clearly didn't land far from the asshat tree, opens the door right in front of me. It's like they tried taking me out twice.

So I had to wait for that whole spectacle, and eventually she starts driving again. But she gets a red light, and I get a bright idea.

Great place for payback
Still pissed off from the two near assassinations, I pull up right next to her car, then cough up a big loogie, turn my head, and spit right at her passenger side window. This, she notices. Ok, so my aim isn't that great and I partially miss, but the bulk of it hits its target. She rolls down her window, yells at me for spitting at her car, and I calmly respond, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there." Then smile sheepishly. Then go on to say, "I guess it's one of those mornings..." The light turns green, and she has no choice but to drive. I let her get a good head start. Just in case she actually wants to take me out intentionally this time.

The rest of the ride in was uneventful.

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